Merry Christmas from Aunt Flow

Well, I knew I would get my period, but on Christmas really??? Give me a break! I was just starting to get my hopes up. I had tested BFN(big Fat Negative) on 17 dpo, so I figured that this month was a lost cause. But I think those of us struggling with infertility, always find some hope, whether it be real or not. So yes, I was hopeful. After all it is December, My birthday, my daughters birthday and Christmas. If I was going to get lucky, it would be now! My period was late, and it never is. I woke up Christmas day and still no AF. I was very excited. We had a wonderful Christmas. We had dinner at our house with family. After everyone had left I decided I would find a store open and go get a pregnancy test. I dont have 1 left in the house, I think I went through 40 in the last 3 weeks! I was getting ready to leave and BAM, here she was. My period! Needless to say, I was very upset. I was quickly brought back to reality. Bummer.

So here we go again. Another cycle of clomid. Another cycle of high hopes, and probably another let down. I dont know how many more times I can do this. It is a viscous cycle. I dont know when to throw in the towel. Not yet......but when? At some point I have say enough, and move on. I just cant imagine every being Ok with that. That is the hardest part, knowing that I might have to be.

Christmas is coming!

I love Christmas, it is my favorite Holiday. The month of December is a very busy month and stressful, but always worth it. My daughters Birthday is this month, as well as mine, my father and brother in law. This year we are doing Christmas dinner at our home, and I cant wait! I love cooking, decorating and family. The picture is of our kids, K and Billy. K was in a Holiday parade with our GirlScout troop, so after the parade was a perfect opportunity for our Holiday picture. I hope you all enjoy.

As far as baby news, or no news I should say. Nothing new. We just tried naturally this month. By "naturally" I mean 100mg clomid. That is "natural" for us. I am not very hopeful, but Im holding out for my Christmas Miracle. Other then that, just alot of praying. Are you allowed to pray for a baby? Hee Hee. Well, "allowed " to or not, I am doing it.

I hope you all have a wonderful Holiday, and you all get what you wished for!

Im Thankfull For....

As I packed last night for out Thanksgiving trip, I had laundry to do, a house to clean, and a daughter to pack for. With everything that has been going on lately I have have been dragging my butt! I was not looking forward to getting ready to leave, I just wanted to be there already! My husband did most of the laundry, my daughter packed herself and we ordered dinner out. Wow, this made things allot better! Today we are all packed and ready to go. I may complain alot about many things, but I truly have alot to be thankful for. So this week, I will not be sad for the things that I don't have. I will be thankful for all the wonderful things that I already have. I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, which many people don't get the opportunity to do. That right there is enough for me.
So I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, and finds something that they can be thankful for.

Another BFN (big FAT Negative)

I started spotting today. AF is on the way. I knew our odds of getting pregnant with an iui were low, but I really had hope. This seems to sting more than ever. I am starting to feel like I will never have another child. That our miracle daughter will never have a sibling. She will never know that unconditional sibling love that my husband and myself are so lucky to have. I never thought that she would be an only child. Not like that is the end of the world or anything, its just not my plan. I guess what I have learned through all of this is, my plan doesnt matter. God obviously has another one for us.

I dont know where this leaves us. I do know that I wont be going back to our RE anytime soon. I am done with doctors. I have no faith in them right now. I am just sad and tired. I am not at the point however, that I am ok with not having another baby. I dont feel like I will ever be complete without that. I feel bad saying that, because I couldnt ask for a better husband or daughter. I am very grateful for them . My daughter seems like more of a miracle every day. My husband is a breath of fresh air, he can make me smile anytime, and for that brief moment, I forget about all of this. That is a gift. I have a wonderful life, thats why I want to share it with another child so badly.

I guess I will have to wait and see.

12 dpiui and 11 dpo

Today I am 11 days past ovulation and 12 days past our iui. I have been testing everyday! Still nothing. There is always the one beautiful control line, and then of course the stark white area that I pray one day will show that second line. I thought for sure that 2nd line would be there today. I had held my pee all night and couldnt wait to get up and test. I was so excited as I pee'd on that stick! I waired and looked and nothing! I then placed it on top of the toilet and went to take my shower. I knew for sure that 2nd line would be there when I got out. It wasnt. I through the test away and promised myself not to test until Friday, which will be 15 dpiui. I can already tell that wont happen. I already want to go home and pee! I knew that the odds of this working were low, but that still doesnt make this easier. So here I sit, praying that I have a late implanter and my HCG levels jsut arent high enough to turn a test poistive. Which could very well be the case. I still have cramps and lower back ache, and boobs are tingly! So those are great signs. Every little wave of nausea thrills me. So I will update when I test again. Supposedly on Friday, but maybe sooner!

6 DPIUI ( days past IUI)

I am now 6 dpiui. This wait is killing me. I have been cramping since the iui. I think that is a good sign, but I no better than to get my hopes up at all. With all the disappointment in the past, I dont know, if I ever DO get pregnant, if I will be able to believe it! I will test on Sunday, which will be 10 dpiui. I know that it will still be early, but I cant wait!

11/06/2008 IUI Complete!

Well we didi the IUI this morning. Before we left the house this morning my husband gave his "sample" to me. I carefully slid it in between my boobs! It needed to stay warm, and I figured that was the warmest accessible place! I thought this until I had to pull it out of my shirt in the DR office! Anyway, it made it safely there. I left and came back an hour and a half later. They did the insemination. Simple painless and over very quickly. I have some mild cramps but that is all. Much easier than IVF! So now we wait. I dont know how I will get through another 2 week wait! Hopefully this one will have a happy ending.

November IUI

So I started AF and went to see our RE on day 3 of my period. He did an ultrasound and checked for cyst's. Everything looked good. I started clomid that night, 100mg for 5 days. This is SOOOO much easier that the IVF that I forget we are evening trying anything this month! I go back on Nov. 4th for another ultrasound, to check follicles. He said he is hoping for 2 good ones on my right ovary. So we will see. It looks like they will do the IUI on Nov. 9th! So I just wait for now. I am really looking forward to Halloween this Friday. We are doing a big neighborhood party. It will be a blast!
Happy Halloween!!!!

Plan B

Well, it look like we will be trying iui next month! It seems very strange to go from IVF to IUI, but I will try anything! The thought behind this is that my eggs are such poor quality that when they are outside of my body they die, they aren't strong enough to survive. So now we wait for AF and I will go for an ultrasound. I will then start meds to produce more eggs, wait and then take a HCG trigger shot to make me ovulate. The hope is I will get enough eggs on my right to make this work. My left tube is damaged. I don't have too much hope for this cycle, but you never know. I will not give up!

Beta Results

Well, it was negative. I am still in shock. Even with the negative home pregnancy test, I still had hope. I really felt pregnant, I still cant believe Im not. My husband and I both were SO excited for the phone call from our RE office. We were both giggling when the phone rang....we knew it was going to be good news! I saw his face change while he was on the phone, and I knew what that meant. NEGATIVE.

I cried non stop for a few days. I am just now able to talk about it. I am devastated. I have emailed back and forth with our RE and have a phone review set up for later today. So far, he has said that my egg quality is just too poor for the embryos to keep dividing. He has mentioned trying medicated iui's for awhile, since they are less invasive and less expensive, and we still have a chance with that.

So for now, we are back in the same place I feel we have been stuck in for a long time now. I am still hopeful though. I will not be giving up anytime soon. I dont think we will be doing IVF for awhile though. I need a brake from that.

I will be back, I wont be leaving this blog untill I have a baby in my arms!

9dp4dt

Well, we are back from out trip. It was really nice to see all of our extended family. My hope of the trip distracting us from being pregnant or not, did not happen. We thought about it the entire trip! I POAS(pee'd on sticks) everyday. They were all negative. They were the dollar test though. So today I am 9days past a 4day transfer and I tested with a First Response. It was negative. I have beta in 2 days. I will be 11dp4dt on beta day. I have little hope though, except that I feel pregnant. My back is killing me and I am still having cramping. I feel so different from our last negative cycle, I just cant see how I couldn't be pregnant! I will update as oon as I get our results. No more POAS for me though...way to depressing!

4dp4dt

Ok, so I have been absent for a bit, I have been on bedrest! We had our transfer on Sunday, the 7th. We were so nervous. We got there and met with the RE to talk about what we had to transfer. I had had nightmares that there would be nothing to transfer.......but there was! There was 3 great looking embies. they were all 9 cells and 1 was compacting. There was also 2 more that were slower growing, but lookied ok. We decided on transferring the 3 really good ones. So I am currently pregnant with triplets untill proven otherwise, in m mind! We were hoping the other 2 would keep growing and they could be frozen for future attempts, but they didnt make it.
I went home and did 36 hours of bedrest and am now just taking it really easy. I have had slight cramping, which I consider a good thin. I want to feel something going on down there, ya know? The cramps come and go though. I am officially obsessing over everything! My RE also put me on heparin yesterday to thin my blood. He was concerned about some antibodies I might have, that can cause early miscarriage. SO I am still having to get 4 shots a day! My butt is soooo sore. My husband is right though, if this works this time, I wont think twice about the golf ball size lumps and bruises on my butt!
We are travelling to Missouri today to see my husbands sick grandma. She unfortunately is not doing well. She needs lot of prayers. So, I have packed up all my meds and am stopping to load up on home pregnancy tests too! I plan on POAS(peeing on a stick) tomorrow. I going to pee and pray! All I want is to see 2 lines. Please oh please let there be 2 lines!
I will post as soon as I get back! My beta is next Thursday! Keep your fingers crossed!

We had ER

We went in on Wed. morning for our egg retrieval. I was of course very nervous, I hate being put under! Everything went really well. They ended up getting 20 eggs. There was 2 more that they werent able to get. But boy did they try, I am sore to prove it! I am alot more sore than last time! I also have to have the progesterone injection morning and evening! So my butt cheeks are also in pain!
I spoke with the RE yesterday and out of the 20 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature and they all fertilized! Yaaayyyyy! SO I think we will have a transfer on Sunday. I will let you know as soon as I find out!
So as of now, we have 20 little babies growing away!

First Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound since starting stims! I have 15 follicles! It is less than last time, and Im glad about that. I had 20 with our last cycle and they were poor quality. So I am hoping less is more in this case! I go back again this weekend for another ultrasound, and hopefully to find out when I will get to trigger. I am thinking our ER(egg retrieval) will be on Wed. Yaaaayyyy! I will update after my next ultrasound. It getting here SO fast I cant believe it!

Oh how I missed all these needles

Well, this morning I locked myself in the bathroom, pulled out my vial of lupron and my needle, and then I panicked! I have done this SO many times before, in our previous cycle. No big deal, right? The lupron needles our so small and dont really hurt. But this morning as I stared at this needle that I needed to stab myself with, it didnt seem very little anymore. I needed to hurry, our daughter doesnt know about all of this, and Im sure would be very scared if she saw me standing there with a needle in my stomach! So that is what finally talked me into it. I had to do it soon or I would be caught! SO I did it and it wasnt bad at all. It was just the anticipation. I wish Zack could do them all. He does all my other ones, but hes not there in the morning when I have to take my lupron, he's already at work. :(

I go to my RE on August 20th, so I will know more then! I hope this cycle works out better than the last!

Back from Vacation and Back in the saddle

Well we are back from our trip! We had an amazing time. We floated down the river in Austin, we played in the pool in Houston and we ate alot!!! I have come back very relaxed and 5 pound heavier. It really was a great trip. My niece and nephew have grown SOOO much sine I last saw them at Thanksgiving. I will not go that long without seeing them again.

I had an appt with my RE the morning after we got back. I though it was just a routine appt, I was wrong. He was doing a sonohystogram. It was not pleasant and not expected. First he gave me some injections to numb the area the he put a camera into my cervix and into my uterus. OUCH!!!! It was very uncomfortable. My uterus looked good. So that was a relief. Our 3 embryos we transferred last time did not stick, so we were just double checking that the lining of my utereus was ok. I guess it is, because I start my lupron injections on August 12th! I cant believe we are doing this again! I am very happy and very nervous. I just pray that it will work this time. I will be back when I start my injections!!!

Texas Here We Come

Well, we leave for Texas on Thursday. We are flying to Austin to see my brother, sister in law and my precious nephew and niece. We have a great trip planned with them. Then we are all driving to Houston to visit my Mother and Father in Law and some extended family! I'm very excited. It will be nice to get my mind of everything for bit. We will be gone 8 days. which is great.

I will be getting my period while we are gone. Which means......I'm starting the birth control pill. What that really means is we are officially starting our 2nd IVf cycle! God I hope it works this time! I will be on the pill for a few weeks and then add in the really good meds! I hate the injections! But they will be worth it if it works this time.

So I will be updating when I return home from our trip. Hopefully AF( my period) will arrive like its supposed to and everything will go as planned.!

I cant wait to be nervous!

Ok, sorry its been so long. Its seems I have been waiting and waiting, now its getting closer and Im just getting more and more nervous! Im going to start BCP in July, when I get my next period. Probably around the 10th. We are supposed to go on vacation that day too. We have been saving money for this next round and talking about it alot, but now it seems to be getting real! What it it doesnt work again??? What if it does??? Sounds crazy right? All I want is another child. This is all I think about. If I get pregnant, what will I worry about then??? I have to worry about something....this is who I am. This IVF life is now my life, my life revolves around it. Not that its a good thing, but its the truth. What happens when its not me anymore. I guess I will move on to pregnant life .... I almost am afraid of who I'll be after IVF is over.

I know Im getting WAY ahead of myself here. This could very well not work again. If thats the case, I will have enough to worry about. This will be Z and I's last shot at another baby. We flat out cannot do this again. With no fertility coverage in our health plan, it puts quite a financial strain on us. I am in the process now of getting my meds. I am buying them online for way less, and some sucessful IVF'rs have even said they would donate some to mee. Im keeping my fingers crossed there! Every bit helps.

So, I sit and I wait, I bite my nails and lie awake at night. Hoping that this will be it, and worrying about IF this is it.

I will post agin when I start the pill

My Life.....

Ok. I saw this and love it! I can try to write how I feel all day long, but this sums it up.....


You know you're trying to conceive when...
- the Big 'O' no longer refers to orgasm, but instead to ovulation-
you show everyone who will look at your bbt charts
- every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation
-it no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the pharmacy with both HPTs and tampons in your cart.
- you schedule your social events around your ovulation day
- if your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards
- you talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww
- your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"
- you take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)
- you refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing
.- you put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler.
- you clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs- your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.
- you spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes
- the thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!
- you make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink
- you get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine..
- you finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!
- you refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" in real life
- you suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it!

Well, there nothing IVF related to update on lately. We are just waiting and saving our money, hopufully we'll be ready in a month or so....

We did move though! I love our new house. It is adorable. I think it really helped me. It gave me something else to obsess over. All I think about is having another baby. This gave me a way out for a little bit. We are now moved in , and I am of course obssessing again!!!! This is what I do, no one can change that. I bet my DH would love too though :)

I will update as soon as I go back on the birth control pill..... I will never get over that. We WANT to get pregnant and they put you on the pill. So strange, but this whole process is strange. Anyway, I will be back.... hopefully sooner thatn later

Bad Eggs

Well, My cycle review went good, I guess. He told me I have bad eggs. The rest of the cycle went great, except that my eggs are poor quality and they weren't growing fast enough, so they didn't implant. This is not really what I wanted to hear, but what are you gonna do. I felt very comfortable with my Dr. and he really gave me some hope that it WILL work this time around. We will change a few things, maybe my meds and do a few more test. He will be doing a ?Hystersonogram?. He will take a camera and look in my uterus. Great, right? Who wants to hear they have bad eggs and that he will be looking in my uterus. Not looking forward to that. We also talked about when we will do this again. He said to make sure I am relaxed and don't have alot going on........I have a 9yr old daughter, so if we were waiting for NOTHING to be going on, this would never happen! I think we will take this month and relax, then start meds next month. Which means my egg retrieval would be in May. I guess that works for us. It is really hard to fork out that kind of money again, with no guarantee. Its scary, but we are willing.
I'm getting excited about it again. Not excited for the daily shots in the butt, but just thought of another baby makes the shots well worth it. I will update anything new as it comes along!

Cycle Review

Well, tomorrow is our cycle review. I'm hoping to get some answers. I want someone to give me a REASON why I'm not pregnant now. I know this happens but, I didn't think it would happen to me. Our last cycle we put back 3 embryos, we were worried about triplets. It never crossed our mind that we might not get pregnant at all. Not until we got that phone call saying I wasn't pregnant. Talk about a huge letdown. I had no idea how hard that was going to be.
I am definitely ready to do this again, I think. I should say I'm ready as long as I get pregnant this time!
So, I think we will have some information tomorrow about what is next. I don't know if he will Change our protocol, or leave it the same. I feel like something should change, since it didn't work last time. Who know, I could get there tomorrow and decide I don't want to do it again........ I really don't know. This whole process is such a roller coaster ride. One second you really think you know what your doing and the next, your completely lost. I just hope he(my doc) has a good plan. I will update tomorrow, with the new plans!!!!!!!